Archive for the ‘Funny Quotes’ Category

If you’re going to be two-faced at least make one of them pretty. -Marilyn Monroe

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.  -Groucho Marx

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. -George Carlin

I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food. -W. C. Fields

To alcohol…The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems. -Homer Simpson

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me. -Jimmy Buffett

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam. -George Carlin

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.  -Bill Cosby

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.  -Harry S. Truman

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.  -Steven Wright

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.  -George Carlin

You don’t pay taxes – they take taxes.  -Chris Rock

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.  -P. J. O’Rourke

I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.  -Zsa Zsa Gabor

I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.  -Sam Kinison

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.  -George Carlin

If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.-George Bernard Shaw

If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.  -Frank Zappa

If at first you don’t succeed, keep on sucking till you do succeed.    Curly Howard

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.  -George Carlin

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.  -Frank Sinatra

Twas a woman who drove me to drink.  I never had the courtesy to write to thank her.  -W.C. Fields

Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.  -Marilyn Monroe

You will always be fond of me. I represent to you all the sins you never had the courage to commit.  -Oscar Wilde

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and faster than you is a maniac?  -George Carlin

It’s funny how most people love the dead, once you’re dead your made for life.  -Jimi Hendrix

Kids. They’re not easy but there has to be some penalty for sex.  -Bill Maher

I hate work. That’s why I got married.  -Peg Bundy

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay and never get anything back. -Al Bundy

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -Sylvester Stallone

I just want what every married woman wants, someone other than her husband to sleep with. -Peg Bundy

I just want what every married man wants, someone other than my wife to sleep with.   -Al Bundy

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.  -Zsa Zsa Gabor

I first learned the concept of nonviolence in my marriage.
-Mahatma Gandhi

Getting divorced because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.  -Zsa Zsa Gabor

Bachelors know more about women than married men, if they didn’t they’d be married too. -H.L. Mencken

I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.   -Will Rodgers

By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher- Socrates

Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.  -Erica Jong

I know nothing about sex because I always was married.   -Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. Zsa Zsa Gabor

Democracy is the theory that people know what they want and deserve to get it good & hard. -H.L. Mencken

Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage. -H.L. Mencken

Marriage is an institution but who wants to live in an institution?   -HL Mencken

Everyone knows how to raise children except the people who have them. -PJ O’ Rourke


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